A Rather Wooden Tale
by Amaya Redfern
Summary: Guess what...more of Sebastian and Anders!  But told from the perspective of a rather unexpected onlooker...I have it on the highest authority that this story will give you a serious case of the giggles.


A Rather Wooden Tale

Life as a tree isn't much to crow about. No one to talk to but the grass and the leaves you give birth to every spring. I'd talk to the birds, but they tend to leave their smelly gifts on my best branches. Not the best sort of animals if you ask me. The squirrels are chatty enough, but not with me, ungrateful little buggers.

But I digress. You're here to listen to an interesting tale from this old oak, yes?

Let's see, so many things to choose from…there was that one time with the squirrel and the frog – no, no, that wouldn't do…I'm not sure that was entirely legal…

Ah, there was once this mage that came wandering through my woods one day and…Yes. That will do nicely.

Well, it was a clear Summer day, the sun shining down and warming my growing little leaves kindly. I was minding my own business, and this woodpecker had decided to make a nest in me, and it's incessant tapping was giving me a headache, well, not that trees can have headaches, but you get the point. When out of the blue, a young man with sun colored hair came walking by and decided to rest against my trunk. Looked awfully sad too, the poor thing. But then, I would be too if I had to wear the feathers of some awful bird on my branches.

He sat there for an awfully long time, and I do believe water leaked out of his eyes at one point. I attempted to stretch out my branches to give him shade…then remembered I couldn't move. Old age. It can play tricks on you.

Where was I? Oh yes, the young man. Well, as he sat there, leaking water every now and again, my brothers – the other trees that is – whispered to me that another human was traipsing about the woods. I could only conclude that this human had caused the blonde man's sadness as there were no others about. Not that there was much I could do about it. Again, I am merely a tree. But we like to gossip about the comings and goings of creatures. What else are we going to talk about? How many leaves we have sprouted? If our roots met up with gravel? It gets old after a while.

Eventually, the other man did find the sad one by my roots, and attempted to reach out to him. The befeatherd one snapped backwards however, which didn't surprise me. I too would be revolted by someone who had caused me to leak water. The other persisted however, and though I could not quite understand what they were saying, the older human seemed to be attempting to console the sun-haired one. It worked after some time, and they embraced. This, admittedly, I have never seen. Generally, the male human beings tend to throw fists at each other, or any weapons they have on hand. I didn't question it much though. Generations pass, the species change.

I do remember the man being very shiny as well. It was quite irritating – might have attracted magpies if he wasn't careful! Nasty little birds, hate the lot of them…

Ah, I've gotten distracted again, haven't I? Hm…Ah yes, the young men embracing. Well, to my surprise, they soon pressed their mouths against each other, something I'd only seen a male and a female do a time or two. It seemed to be some sort of mating ritual, like what the forest animals have, and I hadn't the foggiest idea why two males would be participating in such an act. Well, the badger by the river and his "den mate" have been rumored to be awfully close I suppose…But that's a story for a different time.

After a while the shiny man had the sense to remove the feathers from the sun-haired one, and he seemed very relieved by the act I must say. Come to think of it, perhaps that was what was making the water come out from his eyes. Bah, I suppose I'll never know. But then they continued to remove their fake fur – why _do_ humans insist on putting such things over their skin? I've never met an animal who was fooled.

Anyway, after a substantial amount of time they _did_ seem to mate, but not in a way I'd ever seen. I'm not all too sure what the purpose of it was. And goodness me, the younger one made an awful lot of noise. The once-shiny one made an awful lot of grunting noises, and I had to wonder if he was injured somehow. I quite nearly sent a few of the birds down to check on him, but my brothers assured me he was alright. At least the woodpecker was driven off by all that noise, and shaking…Anyway, things got very fast after some time, and the sparrows in my branches certainly were having a time of it, squawking about and making all kinds of lewd comments. They nearly shook my roots off, the ex-shiny one had the sun-haired one against my trunk and he was DOING something to him, although I still can't believe they were mating. Eventually they seemed to finish up, though the exertion left them quite tuckered out. And they left a mess on my trunk! They did clean it up thankfully, but it was certainly an unpleasant feeling.

They left soon afterwards, putting their fake fur back on. The squirrels were chatting about it for weeks. They were saying something about big nuts I think, but who pays attention to their foolishness? I'll pelt their heads with acorns next time. My brothers didn't seem all too impressed by the spectacle. I was quite peeved for a while I must say – I will not allow anyone to sit by my trunk again.

I truly didn't think to see them again. They'd certainly seemed quite satisfied. But a few suns later – perhaps four? – they came trodding back, their limbs entwined. Before I knew it they were going at it again, reminding me of a couple of hares. The yellow-haired one moved around quite a bit, and the shiny man bound his branches with an odd contraption. Encircled his two forebrances and stopped them from moving very far. I haven't the slightest idea what it was. They didn't leave a mess this time thankfully, and I didn't see anything of them again. Good thing too. The crows were beginning to say things that nearly turned my little leaves red.

Oh, was that story not all too interesting? I suppose I _could_ tell you of the squirrel and the frog if you insist…no? Then perhaps you should go see those two beavers by the river. Their situation is _most_ fascinating.

:D

A/N: This one's for Hatsepsut. This story wouldn't exist without you. Though I imagine some might think that would be for the best. XD Thanks for cleansing my mind of disturbing images and filling it with better fantasies!

To all those who just read this…BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


End file.
